Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Self Doubt

It seemed a lot easier the first two times around.  I read an article this morning while perusing the news feed on my tablet. It made me stop and wonder.  The article was titled "The Bully Too Close To Home"  link
http://www.handsfreemama.com/?s=the+bully+too+close+to++home

OMG. I saw myself. And then I saw my 14 year old.

Am I too critical?  Is this what the bitterness and disappointment in my addict daughter has done to me? ME??

I didn't think so. We have 5 Rules posted for the house.

1. Do not disrespect anyone.
2. Keep your space clean.
3. Get up. I have to.
4. Keep your grades up.
5. Get over it. These are NOT hard rules.

That's pretty much it.

S doesn't do so well with anything except number 4.

she is mouthy. she is lazy. she doesn't get up. she doesn't get over anything. she is a drama queen. she is sarcastic.

she is a TEEN.

But, how much have I contributed to that. I am sarcastic.

I'm  not lazy, I do get up, I am  not a drama queen. If anything, I am the antithesis of a drama queen.

But, I AM critical. I suppose.  In all honesty, I do try to be nice. I ask  nicely when she gets home, "how was your day?" to which she usually replies either "okay" or "crappy".  I pretty much just let it go at that point.

Sometimes, I just feel so fucking tired. Of parenting. Too tired to get up and do much else besides keep the bathroom and kitchen clean. Too tired to sit and talk for hours. Just too tired.

What the  HELL do I do about that?

I am stressed from the moment I get out of bed till I go to sleep. I am now having 3 glasses of wine at night. Yah. I know. And a Xanax with the last one so I can sleep.

Dr. says there is just no way I can deal anymore. He says after numerous years of extreme stress, my body has just begun to shut down. My STRESS REACTORS are broke he says.  It would take years of therapy to overcome it. At 58, I don't have YEARS. I also don't have the money. Our co-pay for mental health is 50%. Guess who cannot afford THAT??

The author of the blog says she started saying to herself (the bully)  STOP! Only love today. Only love today.

she said she had results in less than two weeks. Little things. Like letting her daughter create a garden smack dab in the middle of the nicely manicured lawn. (read control freak, like the rest of us...)

Is it really important for S to keep her room clean? I don't honestly know. 

I grounded her last week for being smart mouthed and not getting up on time. I mean literally, she had less than 10 minutes for the bus. She just got her braces. Didn't brush her teeth. Didn't wear her contacts. Didn't grab her glasses. Wore the clothes she slept in.

REALLY?  And she couldn't figure out why I was pissed. I tried for OVER AN HOUR to get her up.  

she had PLANS. I am of the opinion that if you get grounded and do not have any plans, the grounding doesn't do a whole hell of a lot. It is also the first time she has ever been grounded.

This is the kid that expects me to drive her 8 hours each way to open for some 19 year old singer in Indiana after the 1st of the year.  Gas, hotel, etc. This is the "chance of a lifetime"...according to her.

Do I want to? No.

Should I?  I have no clue. She is quite good at being a vocalist. Really good.  If I refuse, does it ruin her life? In her eyes, certainly.

Her grades are great.

she is definitely of the "entitlement" generation, something I did not think would happen. I am supposed to drop everything to see to her wants.

She says that because she helps out when asked, I shouldn't withhold anything that is within my power.

I did NOT think I would be this confused after 38 years of parenting. I pretty much thought I would have it down by now.

We don't have alot of $.  It is rob Peter to pay Paul, all year long. Son has not paid for his student loans for 6 months. He now owes me over 2 grand. That came out of household money. that WAS my disposable income each month. Son doesn't give a shit. But his GRANDPARENTS house is on the line, so WE have to pay it so THEY don't lose their house.

Taking her to Indiana just in gas is about $300 each trip. Sleep in the car time. I don't have $300 a month to do that anymore. I used to.

Blame son, but what the hell good does that do? Create MORE family discord in an already functionally dysfunctional family.

We live completely on a Disabled Vet's pension. We live on just under 45K a year. yah. and 3 teens. and a single mom and a 1 year old. 7 people. 45k a year. 650 mortgage.

stress, you are my middle name.

I literally walk around all day in a fugue of self pity. I hate myself, and the situation. I am too busy and too sick to work. I still smoke and have COPD pretty badly. Not on oxygen yet, but really, not too far off. I know I should quit, but I don't.

I am never happy. They tried me on anti-depressants. They don't work. I have been on like 9 of them. All I do is sleep and cry. for days.

Doctor said that is because I do NOT have depression. I have severe Anxiety disorder. I probably have 6-8 panic attacks PER DAY. And have for about 10 years.

That's fun. Feel like you are literally dying from a heart attack 6-8 times a day. Actually been hospitalized for it. 

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Stop! Only love today, only LOVE today.

I'll give it a try. I'll try to paste a smile on my face. I'll try. I'll try not to be critical. I'll try not to be debbie downer. I'll try to keep busy and be happy I have to clean and cook.

I used to enjoy all that. Now, it is just drudgery. I look around my house and think "my kids come from broken home."

Front door broken. Back door broken. Dishwasher broken. Refrigerator broken. Fence broken. Ceiling fan in upstairs kids room, broken.

Worse part? We have ALL the parts to fix everything. Guess who gets to do it? yep. me.

DH hasn't come out of the bedroom for over 2 months, except to get coffee. And run the occasional errand for me.

Okay. Now all I am doing is having a pity party. I'm gonna stop now.

3 comments:

  1. Just seeing this. I love you. I am sorry. When you finally decide to runaway I'm coming with you. And we are taking that sweet little baby..

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