Sunday, February 16, 2014

A new custodial grandparent. One we have known for years.

I am sad. A dear dear friend of ours, Her Big Sad posted a couple of days ago. Bittersweet memories abound.

She has taken custody of her daughter's child, born addicted. He is a lovely little thing. But, she is my age (and remember, I have been doing this now for 15 years so when I started this journey, I was only just turned 45).

She has a newborn, just out of NICU, still on Methadone, at home now. Her husband's life and her life have been turned upside down.

Her daughter. My daughter. Athena's daughter over at Mom vs Heroin.

Alot of us P.O.A. have boy children. It really IS different with girl children addicts.

And that is just the bottom line. Our girls eventually get pregnant. After we have spent thousands, or hundred's of thousands  of dollars trying to help our baby girls. And even then, that didn't work.

Then...they get pregnant. We still love them. We pour more and more money down that drain called addiction. We try and try to save them. We tell them how great it is to live for your developing child, how wonderful motherhood is.

None of it works.

Those babies get born addicted. When I started, they didn't test automatically at the hospital for drugs. They do now, right, wrong or not. They take blood when the mom is admitted. For many tests, and the Mom signs the consent form, which covers a plethora of things including a drug test. Which is NOT listed on the form. Unfair? Ask the baby....

So now Her Big Sad  joins me and Mom vs Heroin and gets to raise her grandchild, who is withdrawing from what Mommy did to him.

Why did Mommy do that? Because Mommy is a heroin addict who cannot control the addiction.

What's his name was clean for 23 years. Then overdosed. Very sad.

But we forget don't we? Our kids get clean for 60 days, then 90, then a year, then 2, then 5. And we breathe easier. But the fact is, they are ADDICTS FOR LIFE.

they can relapse at any time. Nothing is more important than heroin. Not children, not family, not anything when they are in active addiction. And even when in recovery, they are STILL ADDICTS.

Does that mean we don't love them. No. But it means we have to be realistic.

Now Her Big Sad feels bad because she is somewhat resentful. Dude..so was I!! Still am somedays. No retirement. Menopause and Potty training. Pediatricians.

But, there are more good bits than bad bits.

Most important thing? Love the heck out of these babies and educate them from the get go that BOTH parents are addicts, and what it caused, and that they can NEVER EVER EVER try drugs, because they too carry that addiction gene.

It's a rocky, beautiful, crazy road. I wouldn't have walked another.

Go over and give her some support. She is at the place of no sleep with a newborn in withdrawal.

12 comments:

  1. i really hope you can find time( i know how busy you are!); but your insight really nails what so many of us are going through.......

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    1. Thank you anonymous! Heck, I don't even think anyone reads me lol.

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  2. Excellent Blog!!! I would like to add that right now my daughter has been passing drug tests and fulfilling all her requirements so she says she's sober and i cannot say otherwise because i have no proof so things appear good. How sad i can't bring myself to be complimentary and congratulatory becuase the truth is i just don't know. But I guess she has been sober for 1 year + 2 months and the pressure to see the kids more, do things together, talk on the phone and text is really too much for me. I hate the stress of all these visits. Every other weekend the kids are with their dad's family and since his parents are divorced that is a very busy weekend divided between 3 households. Then our weekend includes her visit so anytime we want to go away for the weekend with the boys we can't go too far because we have to squeeze in her court ordered visitation before we leave. As you say Dawn - Sigh

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  3. Oh good lord Dawn....praying what I just read has nothing to do with your daughter.

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  4. Hi Dawn. I think you are still following madyson's blog but I wanted to ask you this question directly since I believe we are in close proximity to one another. DD may be getting ready for help so I want to be ready with some resources.

    Do you know of any "good - free/low cost" treatment programs in Northeast Ohio?

    Any help you can provide would be appreciated.

    Courtsmom

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    1. If you are in Mahoning, Trumbull or Stark or Columbiana counties, Meridian is the best. If you are not ibhabe other esources. Email me directly at fractalmom1@gmail.com. please. It is NOT a bother.

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  5. If you are in mahoning county, meridian has a great peogram. Email me fractalmom1@gmail.com

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  6. Ahh....I am so glad you reached out to Dawn. She is a very wise woman!

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  7. I am so glad to have found your blog. I read all your posts. Your honesty is so refreshing. I love that you don't hold back. I need to hear what you have to say!

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    1. Thanks. I will try to update soon.

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  8. Hi Dawn. I hope you write here more. I love anything and everything you write. I know "Her Big Sad" in person since we live so close. Haven't seen her in a couple of years but want to go out there and visit that baby and maybe let the family go out for the evening without him so they can get a break - and I can get a BABY! (my baby is leaving soon).

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  9. I really do miss your writing. I've read and re-read everything you've written. Your no holds bar honesty is what soothes me. I'm the anon up there on may 14th.

    This line...

    I have had a constant headache now for 14 years. Im kind of sick of it.

    ...just kills me in so many ways. It's funny but so true. My headache has lasted for 8 years now so I know what you are talking about.

    I wish I could come over in your cramped kitchen and have coffee.

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